I came to a realization today. I miss writing. I used to have a lot of creative energy flowing around me at all times, but I seem to have lost that somehow. I'm not sure what happened. Maybe my life just got busy. Maybe I didn't care enough to write. Maybe no one paid attention anymore. Maybe I just got bored. Whatever the reason, I stopped. And I miss it. I need to do something about that.
Derek and I are talking about what we're going to study when we get registered in school. I was originally going to study code. Java script, etc. I have recently decided against that. It's an interesting field to be sure, but I don't think it's the right field for me. I think I would get bored. So I went back to the idea I was bouncing around when I was in school. I mean, elementary and middle school. Being a teacher. Derek is always calling me the English Major because I correct his grammar and word use. I've decided to become exactly that. An English Major. With a minor in education. I'm going to become a high school English teacher.
I know for some that idea may sound completely repulsive. I'm really quite fond of the idea.
I know now, however, that I do need to get those creative juices flowing again. I need to start working on my sentence structure, grammar, punctuation, and spelling. Just to name a few. These are the things I used to know so well, and could work with so well. Not anymore. It's been too long. I have no idea how to do this anymore. Where to start. What to say. How to say it. I miss when I could just open a blank page and just type for 15 minutes, and come up with something completely wonderful. I read back over a lot of my old blog entries back on MySpace (yes, I still have a MySpace, however, if my phone ever logged me out of the program, I'd never know the password to get back in). I never look at my MySpace anymore. It's become a part of the netherworld. I do enjoy looking back over old writings, though. I was actually looking for a specific poem, but I couldn't find it.
Here's one thing I did find:
I feel bad for feeling this way,
But I can't tell you I'm crying.
I acted like such a fool today,
I wish I could tell you I'm crying.
You keep all this to yourself,
I'm sorry I'm not so strong.
You put your feelings on a shelf,
You've hidden it all for so long.
Why can't I be brave like you?
Hide myself from everyone.
Tell myself things so untrue,
So I'd never come undone.
Words remain in writing,
Yet we both know what was said.
And still we go on fighting,
With it only in our heads.
We fought about things so small,
But it made me feel like dying.
If you could you'd catch my fall,
But I can't tell you I'm crying.
That's an old poem I wrote. It was actually published back in 20foreverago. I can't write like that anymore. Derek starts to play his guitar and wants me to start making up words to a song on the spot, but I just can't do it. I miss my creativity. I need it back.
All in all, I just wanted to say that I will be getting more into writing on this blog now. I need the practice and I'd like any sort of feedback anyone can offer.
Thank you all for reading my ramblings. I do appreciate it.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Loss of an Angel
Cynthia Lee Pratt
1948-2011
I'm really not sure where to begin.
Two and a half years ago, I met Derek's family. We went over to his mom's house for dinner and a board game. His family (all but his oldest brother Clint) knew there was a change in his personal life, so they were expecting me. I was nervous, of course. I wanted them to like me. Or at the very least, tolerate me. What I received from them was far greater. I received another family.
Derek's mom, Cynthia, was so accepting of me. She knew a small part of the circumstances that led to Derek and I being together, but she still welcomed me with open arms. Before long, I was part of the family, even though not officially.
Cynthia became more than just a mother-in-law for me. She was a friend. Words cannot express what she really came to mean to me.
On Thursday, June 30, 2011, Derek and I received a phone call from his family at about 6:30 in the morning. Cynthia was being taken to the hospital again. One thing that was never a secret with her was that she had multiple sclerosis. She was in the hospital a lot more than anyone would have liked, but this also created a comfort zone in a way. When we'd get the calls, we'd make sure everything was okay, and then tell his siblings to call us if there was anything serious found.
I went to work, and by 9am, Derek was calling me. From the hospital. He told me his mom had a stroke and they were working on getting a blood clot out of her brain right then. We went to see her that night and everyone had such high hopes and maybe even expectations (based on everything else she had been through) that she was going to pull through this.
I went to work on Friday and Derek called me as I was wrapping things up and getting ready to leave for the weekend. He asked if I was going straight to the hospital after work. I told him I was. He said, "Okay. That's probably good." I knew something was wrong.
I rushed to the hospital (obeying speed limits, but still in a hurry) to hear the news. Derek came out to meet me and told me the devastating truth of what had happened.
The stroke had severely damaged her brain. She told her children for many many years that if she were to ever end up in a vegetative state that she wanted them to just let her go.
So, as hard as it really was for all of her children, that's exactly what they did. They knew she would not want to live in that state, nor did any of them want to put her through that.
The next two days were spent in waiting. We spent many hours at the hospital, and many more hours at home thinking about what was happening right before our eyes. I will admit, I think I've been having a harder time dealing with everything than Derek himself.
On Monday, July 4, 2011, we were called to the hospital at about 1:30pm. We spent the entire rest of the day there, not knowing what was going to happen. By about 7:00, she was still in just about the same state as she had been all day and the nurses that were giving her the pain killers (so she could pass peacefully) would ask us, "Is there anyone that hasn't told her it's okay for her to go? Is there anything else that could be keeping her here?" Then we got to talking. She wouldn't have wanted everyone crowding around her fussing over her when she passed. She wouldn't want her children to see her that way. So we left the room and left her alone for about an hour and a half.
When we went back up to the room, it seemed as though she was still in the same state. The nurse said it could be several more hours. We were exhausted by this point and just ready to crash into bed. Just as we were getting ready to slowly pack it in, some fireworks started outside her window. She was placed on the top floor of the hospital with an East facing window, looking directly into the Murray Park.
Cynthia lived her life to the fullest. She swore she wouldn't let the MS get the better of her. She swore the MS would not take her life. She was right. She beat the MS.
At 9:20pm, while the fireworks exploded outside, we felt (and witnessed) Cynthia Lee Pratt passing from this existence to another. Leave it to Cynthia to go out with a bang and wait for the fireworks to start going off outside.
She did so much for me that she never even knew. The only regret I would have is that I didn't have enough time to truly spend with her. She meant more to me than she knew and I know, even as my eyes fill with sadness, that she is still with me and all of our family, and she will be for all time. Giving us strength when we need it, acceptance, love, kindness... Everything she had within herself that we all want to be ourselves.
She was loved by more than just her family and everyone will miss her light. But I know, as Derek does, that her light is not gone. It's only dispersed. Now she really can be everywhere at once. Watching over all of her children and grandchildren. Helping them through life and simply being there for them when they need comfort.
We love you, Cynthia. You will never be forgotten. Thank you for everything you did for me, and everything you were for me.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Mix Tapes and Forgotten Diaries
Derek and I have moved into an apartment in Sandy. It's small, but it's clean. I'm really liking it. And as usually happens when packing stuff up that you haven't actually seen in a really long time, I have found a lot of forgotten things. A lot of my stuff was in plastic storage boxes in the closet at the duplex. I really hadn't done anything with those boxes since I put stuff in them in the first place. I had gone through them a couple of times, but never really looked at much. I found a ton of old tapes. Mix tapes and even a tape that says "Danni's Diary". I may have recorded over what was actually the diary on that tape, but I'm curious about it and I'm going to have to listen to see what's on it.
Several of my old mix tapes had actual mixes on them. I'm not talking about just different songs. I used to go through my music and the lyrics in my music to write my own new songs. I would find lines in different songs by different artists to express how I was feeling at that time. Then I would record just that one line from the CD onto the tape and make a completely new song out of several different songs. It was actually a lot of fun. A few of these old tapes have those on them.
Most of the tapes are just mixes of my favourite songs from my CDs, or a mix of music that I would hear on the radio. I'd listen to the radio, and if a song came on that sounded good or interesting, I'd hit record. I haven't listened to any of these tapes for probably a good 12 years or so. Since Jareth's been listening to them, I've come to a conclusion. I'm going to go through each of these tapes. I'm going to get a list made up of all the songs on each tape. Then I'm going to download each of those songs. Then I can make mix CDs of the same songs I had on my tapes. I'm actually really excited about this.
Okay, I know. This entry wasn't a very good one. But I'm really enjoying going through my old things and finding all this old stuff. I should get pictures of a couple other things I found. Ha! Yeah. I have a stuffed animal (sorta) called Chubbles. Oh! I found pictures online!
This is Chubbles. I don't think I ever had the book shown in this picture, but that's my Chubbles, alright. All About Chubbles and Here's a video of the noise he makes. Mine looks exactly like the one in the picture. Oh man. I love my Chubbles. ^_^ Derek thinks I'm crazy, but I don't care.
I also have this really really old troll doll. It's not like the crazy haired 80's trolls we all had (just admit it...). It's older than that. That's one that I'll just have to get a picture of because I'm not going to find it online.
So yeah. I'm really excited to be going through all this old stuff and finding stuff I had forgotten about. ^_^ It's actually a lot of fun.
And that's really all I've got right now. So until next time....
Several of my old mix tapes had actual mixes on them. I'm not talking about just different songs. I used to go through my music and the lyrics in my music to write my own new songs. I would find lines in different songs by different artists to express how I was feeling at that time. Then I would record just that one line from the CD onto the tape and make a completely new song out of several different songs. It was actually a lot of fun. A few of these old tapes have those on them.
Most of the tapes are just mixes of my favourite songs from my CDs, or a mix of music that I would hear on the radio. I'd listen to the radio, and if a song came on that sounded good or interesting, I'd hit record. I haven't listened to any of these tapes for probably a good 12 years or so. Since Jareth's been listening to them, I've come to a conclusion. I'm going to go through each of these tapes. I'm going to get a list made up of all the songs on each tape. Then I'm going to download each of those songs. Then I can make mix CDs of the same songs I had on my tapes. I'm actually really excited about this.
Okay, I know. This entry wasn't a very good one. But I'm really enjoying going through my old things and finding all this old stuff. I should get pictures of a couple other things I found. Ha! Yeah. I have a stuffed animal (sorta) called Chubbles. Oh! I found pictures online!
This is Chubbles. I don't think I ever had the book shown in this picture, but that's my Chubbles, alright. All About Chubbles and Here's a video of the noise he makes. Mine looks exactly like the one in the picture. Oh man. I love my Chubbles. ^_^ Derek thinks I'm crazy, but I don't care.
I also have this really really old troll doll. It's not like the crazy haired 80's trolls we all had (just admit it...). It's older than that. That's one that I'll just have to get a picture of because I'm not going to find it online.
So yeah. I'm really excited to be going through all this old stuff and finding stuff I had forgotten about. ^_^ It's actually a lot of fun.
And that's really all I've got right now. So until next time....
Friday, March 11, 2011
Battle: Los Angeles
Okay, so first off, it wouldn't be my blog if I didn't rant about something, right? I won passes to Battle: Los Angeles. Along with about a million other people. I had to get to the theatre at 3:30 to get in line so I knew I would actually get the tickets. I ended up getting there at about 3:15.
Note to self
When waiting in a line for over 30 minutes (or any amount of time, really), take headphones!
It was awful. I was pretty close to the front of the line, and the way it wound around, the very first people in line were literally right next to me. It was a woman and her 8 year old son. Approximately 8. I couldn't be bothered to ask.
This kid must have thought he was on American Idol. He was singing. Some random song that he probably heard on the radio. Wouldn't have been a big deal except that he kept singing the same line over and over and over and ... well, you get the idea. The worst part was that he was incredibly off key. I love music. I love singing. And when I hear someone that's that far off key, it's like nails on a chalkboard. Shudder
So I did the best I could to ignore him. That actually came a lot easier than expected. Mostly because there were far more annoying people around me. There were two men in front of me. The bigger of the two (they were both taller than me, but this one was probably a bit over 6 feet tall and probably just as big around) smelled like he hadn't showered for two weeks. Wretch!
You would think that was the worst. Nope! Not even by a long shot. The three people behind me couldn't have been more than 19. I think the oldest was about 19. The other two were 16 or 17. I think the youngest girl was 16, her boyfriend was 17, and the older girl (the other girl's sister) was about 19. I got all of this from their conversation because they didn't shut up and stop yammering the entire time. The 19 year old was in college (Salt Lake Community, to be precise). She started talking about how insane it was to take notes in class and there's no way she'd ever do that. The younger girl is a teacher's assistant or something for elementary school kids. The oldest says to her sister, "I have to make a mask for my art class. You should have your kids make masks and bring them home. Then I can pick the best one and turn that in for my project. I'm too lazy to make my own." Why is she even IN school? A degree does you no good if you don't actually learn anything.
Behind them was another very large man. Well, guy. He wasn't old enough to be called a man. He had headphones in (lucky bastard), and his phone ringer turned all the way up. Every time he got a text, there would be a 10 second excerpt from a song. The problem was, the only part of the lyrics you could really hear was a very loud and clear "fuck". You're in a public theatre and there are plenty of children around. Turn your phone ringer off if it's not appropriate! Not to mention the simple fact that he's getting texts every minute, on the minute (okay, this is an exaggeration as I really wasn't paying close enough attention to know exactly how often it was) and that damn 10 seconds keeps playing. He can't hear it, but everyone around him can.
Finally, the wait was over and I got the tickets. Thank god.
Now, onto the movie (finally, I know).
I actually really enjoyed the movie, for the most part. It had a good story, great actors, and a ton of action. Lots of things blowing up. However, the guy that introduced the movie at the beginning had it right: "A great first-person shooter". Due to all the crazy camera angles.
It really felt like they were trying to save money by shaking the camera around a lot during the action sequences so they didn't have to focus too much on little details. When they showed the aliens up close, the camera was also shaking around. I really got the impression that they were either too lazy to actually give it good details, or they just didn't want to spend the money. The camera shaking kind of made me sick after a while.
All in all, however, it was a really good show. I enjoyed the plot, the ending was good, there was a plethora of explosions, it made me laugh, and it made me cry. Literally. I actually cried. But there was good reason, don't judge me!
One of my favourite scenes was near the end.
And that's where I'm going to end because I don't want to give too much away. ^_^ The cinematography leaves some to be desired, but all in all, if you have a chance, see this movie. It's a really good show.
Note to self
When waiting in a line for over 30 minutes (or any amount of time, really), take headphones!
It was awful. I was pretty close to the front of the line, and the way it wound around, the very first people in line were literally right next to me. It was a woman and her 8 year old son. Approximately 8. I couldn't be bothered to ask.
This kid must have thought he was on American Idol. He was singing. Some random song that he probably heard on the radio. Wouldn't have been a big deal except that he kept singing the same line over and over and over and ... well, you get the idea. The worst part was that he was incredibly off key. I love music. I love singing. And when I hear someone that's that far off key, it's like nails on a chalkboard. Shudder
So I did the best I could to ignore him. That actually came a lot easier than expected. Mostly because there were far more annoying people around me. There were two men in front of me. The bigger of the two (they were both taller than me, but this one was probably a bit over 6 feet tall and probably just as big around) smelled like he hadn't showered for two weeks. Wretch!
You would think that was the worst. Nope! Not even by a long shot. The three people behind me couldn't have been more than 19. I think the oldest was about 19. The other two were 16 or 17. I think the youngest girl was 16, her boyfriend was 17, and the older girl (the other girl's sister) was about 19. I got all of this from their conversation because they didn't shut up and stop yammering the entire time. The 19 year old was in college (Salt Lake Community, to be precise). She started talking about how insane it was to take notes in class and there's no way she'd ever do that. The younger girl is a teacher's assistant or something for elementary school kids. The oldest says to her sister, "I have to make a mask for my art class. You should have your kids make masks and bring them home. Then I can pick the best one and turn that in for my project. I'm too lazy to make my own." Why is she even IN school? A degree does you no good if you don't actually learn anything.
Behind them was another very large man. Well, guy. He wasn't old enough to be called a man. He had headphones in (lucky bastard), and his phone ringer turned all the way up. Every time he got a text, there would be a 10 second excerpt from a song. The problem was, the only part of the lyrics you could really hear was a very loud and clear "fuck". You're in a public theatre and there are plenty of children around. Turn your phone ringer off if it's not appropriate! Not to mention the simple fact that he's getting texts every minute, on the minute (okay, this is an exaggeration as I really wasn't paying close enough attention to know exactly how often it was) and that damn 10 seconds keeps playing. He can't hear it, but everyone around him can.
Finally, the wait was over and I got the tickets. Thank god.
Now, onto the movie (finally, I know).
I actually really enjoyed the movie, for the most part. It had a good story, great actors, and a ton of action. Lots of things blowing up. However, the guy that introduced the movie at the beginning had it right: "A great first-person shooter". Due to all the crazy camera angles.
It really felt like they were trying to save money by shaking the camera around a lot during the action sequences so they didn't have to focus too much on little details. When they showed the aliens up close, the camera was also shaking around. I really got the impression that they were either too lazy to actually give it good details, or they just didn't want to spend the money. The camera shaking kind of made me sick after a while.
All in all, however, it was a really good show. I enjoyed the plot, the ending was good, there was a plethora of explosions, it made me laugh, and it made me cry. Literally. I actually cried. But there was good reason, don't judge me!
One of my favourite scenes was near the end.
And that's where I'm going to end because I don't want to give too much away. ^_^ The cinematography leaves some to be desired, but all in all, if you have a chance, see this movie. It's a really good show.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Reality
This entry is going to be a little out of the norm for me, but oh well. Deal with it. If you don't like it, don't read what I write. ^_~
Based on my previous entries, you'd probably never guess it, but I'm a total reality show addict. Not reality shows like Jersey Shore or The Kardashians or anything like that. I'd rather be decapitated than have to sit through those shows. No, shows like American Idol and Survivor. I'm horribly addicted. I used to refuse to watch shows like that. Before I met my husband. He loves Survivor, so I sat through it with him one time and I'm totally in love now. As for American Idol, well, he told me the auditions were funny to watch so you could see all the terrible singers. We watched the auditions last season and I fell right into the black hole that is American Idol and I've been watching it since.
I don't love everything about the show, please don't misunderstand. I can't handle Ryan Seacrest. The guy just rubs me the wrong way. To the point where I want to just claw his eyes out every time I hear him say "This... Is American Idol..." Blah blah blah. Whatever pretty boy. But the show itself is something interesting.
I've always wanted to be a singer. From the moment I could first carry a tune. Why, I couldn't tell you. But I have. This show gives people like me just a little bit of hope. I don't have hope that I could ever actually be on that stage in the top 24, but at least I could put in an effort to try, right? Well, that's what I'm planning on. The age cap is 28. That's how old I will be during the next audition run. I'm going to audition. I'm probably going to end up on TV as one of the worst, but hey, it'll be fun in the process. I've never done anything that big, so I'd really love to have that item crossed off my bucket list.
This season of the show is interesting, I must admit. There are about 5 guys that I absolutely love. The others can just go to hell for all I care. Especially Jordan Dorsey. That guy... I don't like the way he sings and I haven't since his first audition. I wish he had done the OMG song during Hollywood week because I truly believe he would have been sent home. Talent (or the lack there of) aside, he's just an ass. The way he was running his own auditions for his group on group day was ridiculous. Then, even after he finally agrees to one guy (whom I thought wasn't nearly as good as the other two they showed him "auditioning"), he eventually just ends up leaving that group anyway. I can't believe the nerve of that guy. I mean, I understand it's a competition and you need to be watching your own back and moving yourself forward, but as Derek and I saw on Bridal Plasty (another reality show I fell into), you don't have to step on everyone in your path to get to the top, and in the end, being friends with those you're competing against can end up working in your favour. This is something Jordan needs to learn, but I don't believe he ever will. The guy is a douche (pardon my French) that will always step on everyone in his way to try to reach the top. He really couldn't care less about anyone but himself.
The second person I'm completely against is Clint Jun Gamboa. This guy is an absolute joke. How he made it through Hollywood Week, I'll never know. He's also another douche on the roster. After accepting Scotty McCreery into his group of already 4, making his group 5, he kicked Jacee (extremely talented 15 year old kid) out of the group because "It just works better with 4". Why did he even accept Scotty into the group in the first place if he only wanted 4? And if he were going to kick anyone out, it should have been Scotty (don't get me wrong, I love this kid.. I think he's going to make it really far in this competition), simply because he was the most recent to join the group. But no, he gets rid of the 15 year old kid. I felt bad for the guy! He was in tears! I can understand the feeling of rejection he must have had. Poor kid. But, in the end, Jacee was not added to the top 24. To be honest, I think that's for the best. He's very talented, but he does need a year or two to mature and work on his stage presence. A few pounds lost wouldn't hurt any either. But I really do hope he comes back. And screw Clint for being such a jerk. I know he says it wasn't personal, but whatever. He was just being a selfish douche and that's something I just can't get past. I don't care for his voice, either. lol...
My absolute favourites... These are the five I hope to see in the top 10. Casey Abrams (a Seth Rogen look-a-like with AMAZING talent - not just in his voice, but the instruments he plays), James Durbin (not even aspergers or turrets can stop this kid from belting out the lyrics to some kick ass rocker songs - I am totally in love with this guy's voice - he feels the music and he makes his audience feel it too), Scotty McCreery (this kid WILL be a big country star - I guarantee multiple country recording companies are chomping at the bit to have this guy off Idol so they can nab him up - he is definitely going to make it in the industry with his gorgeous deep country voice), Paul McDonald (I can't believe this guy isn't already signed somewhere - last night's rendition of the Rod Stewart song Maggie Mae was to the T a perfect cover), and last but not least, Brett Loewenstern (cheeky red-head whose personality reminds me a bit of Pauly Shore, but his voice by far makes up for any of his downfalls - and I love the way he moves around and throws his hair around while he sings).
I can't wait to see where these five guys go. I think they will do amazing things with their voices.
As for the girls (who will be showcased on tonight's episode), I really have no favourites yet. Well, I can say this... I really love Naima Adedapo's look. I'm not really sure what I think of her voice, but her look is striking. The other girls haven't really stuck out in my mind like the guys did this year. We'll have to see where they go and what they can do tonight, but I'm not really holding my breath for an amazing performance or anything.
Alright, I think I'm done with my reality show tirade. For anyone that actually read this whole thing, congrats. I don't think I could have done it. Ha! But now you have a little more insight into the mind that is mine. Don't worry. There won't be a lot of entries like this one. I had just read another article online about last night's episode and I wanted to get my two cents in. Thanks for reading!
Based on my previous entries, you'd probably never guess it, but I'm a total reality show addict. Not reality shows like Jersey Shore or The Kardashians or anything like that. I'd rather be decapitated than have to sit through those shows. No, shows like American Idol and Survivor. I'm horribly addicted. I used to refuse to watch shows like that. Before I met my husband. He loves Survivor, so I sat through it with him one time and I'm totally in love now. As for American Idol, well, he told me the auditions were funny to watch so you could see all the terrible singers. We watched the auditions last season and I fell right into the black hole that is American Idol and I've been watching it since.
I don't love everything about the show, please don't misunderstand. I can't handle Ryan Seacrest. The guy just rubs me the wrong way. To the point where I want to just claw his eyes out every time I hear him say "This... Is American Idol..." Blah blah blah. Whatever pretty boy. But the show itself is something interesting.
I've always wanted to be a singer. From the moment I could first carry a tune. Why, I couldn't tell you. But I have. This show gives people like me just a little bit of hope. I don't have hope that I could ever actually be on that stage in the top 24, but at least I could put in an effort to try, right? Well, that's what I'm planning on. The age cap is 28. That's how old I will be during the next audition run. I'm going to audition. I'm probably going to end up on TV as one of the worst, but hey, it'll be fun in the process. I've never done anything that big, so I'd really love to have that item crossed off my bucket list.
This season of the show is interesting, I must admit. There are about 5 guys that I absolutely love. The others can just go to hell for all I care. Especially Jordan Dorsey. That guy... I don't like the way he sings and I haven't since his first audition. I wish he had done the OMG song during Hollywood week because I truly believe he would have been sent home. Talent (or the lack there of) aside, he's just an ass. The way he was running his own auditions for his group on group day was ridiculous. Then, even after he finally agrees to one guy (whom I thought wasn't nearly as good as the other two they showed him "auditioning"), he eventually just ends up leaving that group anyway. I can't believe the nerve of that guy. I mean, I understand it's a competition and you need to be watching your own back and moving yourself forward, but as Derek and I saw on Bridal Plasty (another reality show I fell into), you don't have to step on everyone in your path to get to the top, and in the end, being friends with those you're competing against can end up working in your favour. This is something Jordan needs to learn, but I don't believe he ever will. The guy is a douche (pardon my French) that will always step on everyone in his way to try to reach the top. He really couldn't care less about anyone but himself.
The second person I'm completely against is Clint Jun Gamboa. This guy is an absolute joke. How he made it through Hollywood Week, I'll never know. He's also another douche on the roster. After accepting Scotty McCreery into his group of already 4, making his group 5, he kicked Jacee (extremely talented 15 year old kid) out of the group because "It just works better with 4". Why did he even accept Scotty into the group in the first place if he only wanted 4? And if he were going to kick anyone out, it should have been Scotty (don't get me wrong, I love this kid.. I think he's going to make it really far in this competition), simply because he was the most recent to join the group. But no, he gets rid of the 15 year old kid. I felt bad for the guy! He was in tears! I can understand the feeling of rejection he must have had. Poor kid. But, in the end, Jacee was not added to the top 24. To be honest, I think that's for the best. He's very talented, but he does need a year or two to mature and work on his stage presence. A few pounds lost wouldn't hurt any either. But I really do hope he comes back. And screw Clint for being such a jerk. I know he says it wasn't personal, but whatever. He was just being a selfish douche and that's something I just can't get past. I don't care for his voice, either. lol...
My absolute favourites... These are the five I hope to see in the top 10. Casey Abrams (a Seth Rogen look-a-like with AMAZING talent - not just in his voice, but the instruments he plays), James Durbin (not even aspergers or turrets can stop this kid from belting out the lyrics to some kick ass rocker songs - I am totally in love with this guy's voice - he feels the music and he makes his audience feel it too), Scotty McCreery (this kid WILL be a big country star - I guarantee multiple country recording companies are chomping at the bit to have this guy off Idol so they can nab him up - he is definitely going to make it in the industry with his gorgeous deep country voice), Paul McDonald (I can't believe this guy isn't already signed somewhere - last night's rendition of the Rod Stewart song Maggie Mae was to the T a perfect cover), and last but not least, Brett Loewenstern (cheeky red-head whose personality reminds me a bit of Pauly Shore, but his voice by far makes up for any of his downfalls - and I love the way he moves around and throws his hair around while he sings).
I can't wait to see where these five guys go. I think they will do amazing things with their voices.
As for the girls (who will be showcased on tonight's episode), I really have no favourites yet. Well, I can say this... I really love Naima Adedapo's look. I'm not really sure what I think of her voice, but her look is striking. The other girls haven't really stuck out in my mind like the guys did this year. We'll have to see where they go and what they can do tonight, but I'm not really holding my breath for an amazing performance or anything.
Alright, I think I'm done with my reality show tirade. For anyone that actually read this whole thing, congrats. I don't think I could have done it. Ha! But now you have a little more insight into the mind that is mine. Don't worry. There won't be a lot of entries like this one. I had just read another article online about last night's episode and I wanted to get my two cents in. Thanks for reading!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Friends
Surprise! I'm back! Been a while, I know. But I'm not dead, I promise. I just need to vent a little, then I might be gone a while again. Too many things going on right now to post regularly.
I love my friends. The few I have left. It seems that more and more the friends I used to have are disappearing or are just getting too busy with their own lives to care about me anymore. That's fine. I don't have a problem with that. The only thing I hate is that I really need friendship right now. Things are really hard at the moment, and I don't even have anyone to talk to about it. I have a lot going on, but does anyone know that? No. Because no one asks anymore. I don't get texts anymore. I don't get phone calls. I don't even get the random note on my Facebook wall asking how I'm doing anymore. I try to get people together for small gatherings or whatnot, but everyone always turns me down. Guess a night at the bar is more important. *Shrug*
I get it. I'm married now, so I get cut off, I guess. I understand I can't go out to the bar. I get that I can't go out and party all night like I used to. I get that. I understand that. It's just a little bit irritating that since I can't do those things, it's almost as if my friends have all but forgotten me completely. Out of sight, out of mind, right? I guess that works more easily than I had once imagined.
I'd just like to be asked to go out to coffee to see how my life is going every once in a while by the people that once spent a ton of time partying with me. I'd like to think I matter more than just a party buddy.
Blah. I'm just bitching. Frustrated and irate. Just wish I could talk about it.
*Okay, I have to add an edit. I do get a few texts here and there from a few select people. And to those people, I would like to say thank you. I really do appreciate you.
I love my friends. The few I have left. It seems that more and more the friends I used to have are disappearing or are just getting too busy with their own lives to care about me anymore. That's fine. I don't have a problem with that. The only thing I hate is that I really need friendship right now. Things are really hard at the moment, and I don't even have anyone to talk to about it. I have a lot going on, but does anyone know that? No. Because no one asks anymore. I don't get texts anymore. I don't get phone calls. I don't even get the random note on my Facebook wall asking how I'm doing anymore. I try to get people together for small gatherings or whatnot, but everyone always turns me down. Guess a night at the bar is more important. *Shrug*
I get it. I'm married now, so I get cut off, I guess. I understand I can't go out to the bar. I get that I can't go out and party all night like I used to. I get that. I understand that. It's just a little bit irritating that since I can't do those things, it's almost as if my friends have all but forgotten me completely. Out of sight, out of mind, right? I guess that works more easily than I had once imagined.
I'd just like to be asked to go out to coffee to see how my life is going every once in a while by the people that once spent a ton of time partying with me. I'd like to think I matter more than just a party buddy.
Blah. I'm just bitching. Frustrated and irate. Just wish I could talk about it.
*Okay, I have to add an edit. I do get a few texts here and there from a few select people. And to those people, I would like to say thank you. I really do appreciate you.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Diet and Exercise Week 2 - Day 1
My detox is over. And I would say it was a success. I lost 6 pounds. For those of you that don't know (and I'm not ashamed to admit this online), I was at 150 before I started the diet. Now I'm at 144. For me, that's a significant difference
This week will be all about keeping an eye on what I'm eating more than I was before (I don't want to gain back that 6 pounds I lost - not after everything I had to go through to get there) and actually working out at home. I'm going to continue walking on my lunches as work for a total of 45 minutes (about 2.4 miles), then I just need to pick up doing crunches, push ups, lunges, and whatever else when I get home at night. I'm staying off caffeine, at least for a while. Well, carbonation in general, really. I'm also staying away from cigarettes, and I'm only drinking alcohol in very small amounts on the weekends and that's it. And I'm drinking a ton of water everyday.
I'm GOING to make this work. I NEED this. I've been feeling so badly about the way I look and this is the only way I can fix that. Not to mention my 10 year high school reunion is this year, and I want to look my best. ^_~ Mostly it's just for my self confidence though, which has been severely lacking for the last couple of years. Since I started working only a desk job, I've gained a lot of weight, and lost a lot of pride. That is going to change. It has already started to change. I feel so much better about the way I look already. And to be honest, I may not even look all that different. The only thing that matters really, is the way I feel. And I feel great. ^_^
So, that's it for today. I'll try to keep this up to date as much as I can with all of my progress. Thanks to everyone for your continued support!
This week will be all about keeping an eye on what I'm eating more than I was before (I don't want to gain back that 6 pounds I lost - not after everything I had to go through to get there) and actually working out at home. I'm going to continue walking on my lunches as work for a total of 45 minutes (about 2.4 miles), then I just need to pick up doing crunches, push ups, lunges, and whatever else when I get home at night. I'm staying off caffeine, at least for a while. Well, carbonation in general, really. I'm also staying away from cigarettes, and I'm only drinking alcohol in very small amounts on the weekends and that's it. And I'm drinking a ton of water everyday.
I'm GOING to make this work. I NEED this. I've been feeling so badly about the way I look and this is the only way I can fix that. Not to mention my 10 year high school reunion is this year, and I want to look my best. ^_~ Mostly it's just for my self confidence though, which has been severely lacking for the last couple of years. Since I started working only a desk job, I've gained a lot of weight, and lost a lot of pride. That is going to change. It has already started to change. I feel so much better about the way I look already. And to be honest, I may not even look all that different. The only thing that matters really, is the way I feel. And I feel great. ^_^
So, that's it for today. I'll try to keep this up to date as much as I can with all of my progress. Thanks to everyone for your continued support!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Day 11 - Kind of
It is mostly Day 11. I have stepped off my path a couple of times, but I mostly remain true to my course. I don't want to smoke anymore, so I'm quitting. Plain and simple. I get stressed out sometimes, and that's when I step away a bit. But, that was only a couple of times on the weekend, and I'm doing fine now.
Other than not smoking, there are several other things I am not doing as well.
**Just a side note, so everyone is aware. I'm working on making myself a better person, inside and out. This is why I'm working on all these things. I'm trying to get more healthy along with everything else I'm working on with myself. I am NOT going all weird, psychotic, churchy, religious, anything. I'm still me. Just working on being a healthy and happier me. ^_^
I just wanted to put that out there because it does seem like I'm giving up everything I would need to give up to be more of a churchy person, but if you know me at all, you know that's not going to happen.
So, now that we got that out. I'm going through a detox this week. It's going to be the jump start to my actual diet and work out routine to get my body in shape and toned up as much as possible. No, I don't think I'm fat, so any of you out there reading this can just chillax and hold off on the "You're so skinny already" blah blah blah comments. I've already heard these a few times. The issue I'm having is with my problem areas. My stomach, my thighs, and my ass. These things have GOT to change. I can't stand to even look in the mirror. More than anything, though, I really just want to look at my peak for my 10 year high school reunion this year. ^_~
With this detox, I can start to lose a little bit of the weight, and get ready to really start working out. I'm going to start a regular work out routine next week after this diet is over. I am also going to be starting an actual normal diet as well.
I'm quitting smoking. I'm not drinking NEAR like I was before. I'm cutting junk food out of my diet. I've already cut caffeine. See what I mean? No, I'm not going churchy. I promise. If it will make you all feel better, if you comment, I'll personally send you a string of profanities to prove I'm still the same old me. lol
So, that's where I'm at. It's Day 2 of my detox. Yesterday was all fruits. Today is all veggies. Tomorrow I get both. Thursday I get to add in some milk and bananas. Friday, I get meat! Well, okay, it doesn't really count as meat. It's salmon. But either way, I get something of substance. Then Saturday and Sunday, it's kind of mixes of everything. By the end of the week, I should have lost at least a few pounds. That will be nice, and more than anything it will keep me motivated to lose more and get even more in shape.
I'm really excited. And I have to say thank you really quick to my little anonymous commenter. Thanks so much for your positive comments. It really did help. ^_^
And thanks to everyone else's warm thoughts while I was at my worst. I love and appreciate you all! Thank you!
Other than not smoking, there are several other things I am not doing as well.
**Just a side note, so everyone is aware. I'm working on making myself a better person, inside and out. This is why I'm working on all these things. I'm trying to get more healthy along with everything else I'm working on with myself. I am NOT going all weird, psychotic, churchy, religious, anything. I'm still me. Just working on being a healthy and happier me. ^_^
I just wanted to put that out there because it does seem like I'm giving up everything I would need to give up to be more of a churchy person, but if you know me at all, you know that's not going to happen.
So, now that we got that out. I'm going through a detox this week. It's going to be the jump start to my actual diet and work out routine to get my body in shape and toned up as much as possible. No, I don't think I'm fat, so any of you out there reading this can just chillax and hold off on the "You're so skinny already" blah blah blah comments. I've already heard these a few times. The issue I'm having is with my problem areas. My stomach, my thighs, and my ass. These things have GOT to change. I can't stand to even look in the mirror. More than anything, though, I really just want to look at my peak for my 10 year high school reunion this year. ^_~
With this detox, I can start to lose a little bit of the weight, and get ready to really start working out. I'm going to start a regular work out routine next week after this diet is over. I am also going to be starting an actual normal diet as well.
I'm quitting smoking. I'm not drinking NEAR like I was before. I'm cutting junk food out of my diet. I've already cut caffeine. See what I mean? No, I'm not going churchy. I promise. If it will make you all feel better, if you comment, I'll personally send you a string of profanities to prove I'm still the same old me. lol
So, that's where I'm at. It's Day 2 of my detox. Yesterday was all fruits. Today is all veggies. Tomorrow I get both. Thursday I get to add in some milk and bananas. Friday, I get meat! Well, okay, it doesn't really count as meat. It's salmon. But either way, I get something of substance. Then Saturday and Sunday, it's kind of mixes of everything. By the end of the week, I should have lost at least a few pounds. That will be nice, and more than anything it will keep me motivated to lose more and get even more in shape.
I'm really excited. And I have to say thank you really quick to my little anonymous commenter. Thanks so much for your positive comments. It really did help. ^_^
And thanks to everyone else's warm thoughts while I was at my worst. I love and appreciate you all! Thank you!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Day 6 and the outlook is...
I woke up feeling no better than I was feeling last night. I think the dreams were the worst of the whole ordeal. I had one dream about my frogs (I've actually had several dreams about them), but I don't really remember anything about it. Every other dream I can remember was about death. Either I was dying, or someone close to me just died, died in front of me, or was about to die.
I woke up to the horrible weather. I know the weather has a hard part to play in my mood lately. Today was definitely no exception.
I woke up to the horrible weather. I know the weather has a hard part to play in my mood lately. Today was definitely no exception.
These pictures were taken with my iPhone on my way to work. This was the day I was facing. Definitely didn't help the mood. I've made it, though, and the day is nearing an end. I only have 2 more hours to get through at my desk, and I have plenty of work to keep me busy in that time.
I have decided if I can make it through these first two weeks, I can live through anything. It's definitely been taking it's toll on me and I'm going to try something a little different tonight.
I originally said that one of my resolutions was to work out. I haven't started that yet. So I've decided to start tonight. I think that will help my mood. I'm sick of sitting around doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself. I'm done with it. I'm going to do something about it.
Hoorah, right? That would be the right thing to say here... If I had the enthusiasm to say it...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
RIP
It's day 5 and I feel like I'm falling apart. I think the worst part of this quitting thing may not even be part of the quitting thing. I read on multiple sites and heard from multiple other quitters that depression can be one of the symptoms of withdrawals. I hope to god that's all this is, because I'm completely miserable.
I won't go into details because this is not where I want to just vent about all the dumb bullshit in my life and in my mind. The main reason I'm writing tonight is because I needed to just say that I am still sticking through this and as hard as it has been, my resolve has never been stronger. Despite what happened tonight...
This is so dumb. I feel stupid for crying over this (yes, I'm admitting it... I'm crying as I'm typing this...), but here it is anyway.
Back in July, Jareth, Derek, and I went to Draper Days for the 24th of July. It was I think the weekend before the 24th. Derek played this goofy game they had and won a frog. African Dwarf Frog. They live in water, but still breathe air. Really easy to take care of. Anyways. The guy ended up selling us two. We named them A Boy Named Sue and Margret (if you go back to the post entitled "A Few Of My Favourite Things", you can see the frogs in a picture I posted). I looked into them a lot and they can live up to 5 years.
That is, if you can get them to eat... They don't go after the food like other animals in water. They can barely see. The only way they'll eat is if the food happens to be right in front of them and they come across it. Margret was doing great. She/He (you can't really tell with these things) was eating all the time. I thought the other one was too. Until the other day. I was cleaning their tank and noticed that A Boy Named Sue was really sickly skinny. He/She was skinnier to begin with, but I mean, I could see his/her rib cage, and I'm not even sure they have one...
Anyways. I put him/her into a separate tank with some food pellets to try to get it to eat. I thought it had because it looked like there was less food in the bowl than when I put him/her in, so I moved him/her back to the regular tank. Well, I just looked at him again about 20 minutes ago. He was in the same place at the bottom of the tank as he was yesterday. I nudged him with one of the decorations in the tank. No movement. I thought maybe he's just weak or sick. I moved him into another tank again. Nope. He's gone. Great week.
It's been a really long week and I think it's just going to get longer before the eventual end.
I won't go into details because this is not where I want to just vent about all the dumb bullshit in my life and in my mind. The main reason I'm writing tonight is because I needed to just say that I am still sticking through this and as hard as it has been, my resolve has never been stronger. Despite what happened tonight...
This is so dumb. I feel stupid for crying over this (yes, I'm admitting it... I'm crying as I'm typing this...), but here it is anyway.
Back in July, Jareth, Derek, and I went to Draper Days for the 24th of July. It was I think the weekend before the 24th. Derek played this goofy game they had and won a frog. African Dwarf Frog. They live in water, but still breathe air. Really easy to take care of. Anyways. The guy ended up selling us two. We named them A Boy Named Sue and Margret (if you go back to the post entitled "A Few Of My Favourite Things", you can see the frogs in a picture I posted). I looked into them a lot and they can live up to 5 years.
That is, if you can get them to eat... They don't go after the food like other animals in water. They can barely see. The only way they'll eat is if the food happens to be right in front of them and they come across it. Margret was doing great. She/He (you can't really tell with these things) was eating all the time. I thought the other one was too. Until the other day. I was cleaning their tank and noticed that A Boy Named Sue was really sickly skinny. He/She was skinnier to begin with, but I mean, I could see his/her rib cage, and I'm not even sure they have one...
Anyways. I put him/her into a separate tank with some food pellets to try to get it to eat. I thought it had because it looked like there was less food in the bowl than when I put him/her in, so I moved him/her back to the regular tank. Well, I just looked at him again about 20 minutes ago. He was in the same place at the bottom of the tank as he was yesterday. I nudged him with one of the decorations in the tank. No movement. I thought maybe he's just weak or sick. I moved him into another tank again. Nope. He's gone. Great week.
It's been a really long week and I think it's just going to get longer before the eventual end.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
My fight to become a non-smoker
It's day 4, and I feel like it's day 1. I think my cravings have gotten worse today, even though the actual physical addiction should be past by now.
I can't focus on anything. I've been trying to work, and I just can't do it right now. My concentration is out the window. Literally. I want to go outside SO bad, but I don't have anything to smoke, so it would be a moot point at any rate.
I have a headache. My eyes won't focus on anything because of that. I'm looking at the tasks I need to do for work and they're staring me in the face. They all look Greek to me. I can't make sense of any of them. At least not just looking at them. I have to actually open them and really start reading through them. Then I get it and I can actually get some stuff done.
But in the meantime, I'm thinking of things way off in la-la land. So when I need to get away from my desk, I go outside and read my book. Just like I would have gone outside to smoke, I just sit in my car and read. It's a nice escape, but once I'm done with the Twilight books (for my second time - 3rd time for Eclipse and Breaking Dawn), I'm going to have to find something else to read so I don't get too tempted.
This blog entry was basically just a way for me to vent about going a little crazy trying not to smoke. I just needed an outlet. And, I'm done now.
I can't focus on anything. I've been trying to work, and I just can't do it right now. My concentration is out the window. Literally. I want to go outside SO bad, but I don't have anything to smoke, so it would be a moot point at any rate.
I have a headache. My eyes won't focus on anything because of that. I'm looking at the tasks I need to do for work and they're staring me in the face. They all look Greek to me. I can't make sense of any of them. At least not just looking at them. I have to actually open them and really start reading through them. Then I get it and I can actually get some stuff done.
But in the meantime, I'm thinking of things way off in la-la land. So when I need to get away from my desk, I go outside and read my book. Just like I would have gone outside to smoke, I just sit in my car and read. It's a nice escape, but once I'm done with the Twilight books (for my second time - 3rd time for Eclipse and Breaking Dawn), I'm going to have to find something else to read so I don't get too tempted.
This blog entry was basically just a way for me to vent about going a little crazy trying not to smoke. I just needed an outlet. And, I'm done now.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Good Morning 2011
It's the beginning of 2011. I can feel the last year fading away as I type, and this year is only just beginning. Where does that put me? Ah, yes. In the middle of my resolutions...
I don't normally make New Years Resolutions, but I decided to try this year. I have four major resolutions.
As for the cigarettes, this is where it seems to get difficult. I haven't been having any issues with not smoking, really. I mean, I'm a little bit more on edge, but not really that much. The only thing I've been noticing more is that I've been trying to walk on eggshells. It's not anything he's doing on purpose, but Derek has been really tense and on edge and I'm afraid to say anything or even do anything around him because I worry he's going to get upset or just annoyed. It seems like I've been annoying him and frustrating him more in the last couple of days. Mostly just yesterday. I understand why that is, so I'm just trying to back off a bit for the next couple of weeks until it kind of subsides. I want to be here for him, but I kind of feel like he's been pushing me away more than anything. So, instead of smothering him and frustrating him, I'm okay with just backing off a bit. I love him, and I just want to see the both of us succeed at this.
Working out... Ugh. I'm really not excited about this one. It's what we need to do, and I really need to. I can't go on the way I have been. I desperately need a change in my body and in my eating habits. Not only do I need to change my look and my habits, but I need to change my entire outlook on everything. When someone tells me I can't do this, I believe them. I get really upset, but I worry deep down that it's really true. And I'm afraid that if I don't just do it and stick to it, I'm going to continue to listen to people that tell me I won't stick to it, I won't do it at all, or I straight up "can't" do it. I shouldn't be listening to this kind of negativity, but I can't help it. I've never worked out and stuck to it. Not unless it was required for a gym class in school. I really think the only way I'm going to get past this negative image of myself and my habits is to change them completely. Not myself, just my habits. I have to make a change, and that's what I'll do this year.
And last but not least, do more with my creative energy. I get these spouts of creative energy every now and again where I want to write a poem, work on my stories that I've been writing for years and never finished, or draw or paint something. This past year, I haven't done anything with that energy. I've stifled it all and I worry that if I don't start using that energy again, I'm just going to lose is and I'm never going to want to do anything creative. I can't let that happen. I've always loved my creative energies, but I need to actually focus them into something, rather than just letting them pass. And writing on this blog does not count for making something of that energy. This is mostly a rant spot. Somewhere I can let things out because I don't really have many people I can just talk to. So I just let it out here. That's different. I should really work on my stories (I have about 4 of them) and do something with them rather than just let them sit, unchanging, for years on a disc. Blah...
So, that's what I'm doing with my new year. Would anyone else like to share? ^_^
I don't normally make New Years Resolutions, but I decided to try this year. I have four major resolutions.
- Quit smoking.
- Quit drinking.
- Get in shape.
- Do more with creative energy.
As for the cigarettes, this is where it seems to get difficult. I haven't been having any issues with not smoking, really. I mean, I'm a little bit more on edge, but not really that much. The only thing I've been noticing more is that I've been trying to walk on eggshells. It's not anything he's doing on purpose, but Derek has been really tense and on edge and I'm afraid to say anything or even do anything around him because I worry he's going to get upset or just annoyed. It seems like I've been annoying him and frustrating him more in the last couple of days. Mostly just yesterday. I understand why that is, so I'm just trying to back off a bit for the next couple of weeks until it kind of subsides. I want to be here for him, but I kind of feel like he's been pushing me away more than anything. So, instead of smothering him and frustrating him, I'm okay with just backing off a bit. I love him, and I just want to see the both of us succeed at this.
Working out... Ugh. I'm really not excited about this one. It's what we need to do, and I really need to. I can't go on the way I have been. I desperately need a change in my body and in my eating habits. Not only do I need to change my look and my habits, but I need to change my entire outlook on everything. When someone tells me I can't do this, I believe them. I get really upset, but I worry deep down that it's really true. And I'm afraid that if I don't just do it and stick to it, I'm going to continue to listen to people that tell me I won't stick to it, I won't do it at all, or I straight up "can't" do it. I shouldn't be listening to this kind of negativity, but I can't help it. I've never worked out and stuck to it. Not unless it was required for a gym class in school. I really think the only way I'm going to get past this negative image of myself and my habits is to change them completely. Not myself, just my habits. I have to make a change, and that's what I'll do this year.
And last but not least, do more with my creative energy. I get these spouts of creative energy every now and again where I want to write a poem, work on my stories that I've been writing for years and never finished, or draw or paint something. This past year, I haven't done anything with that energy. I've stifled it all and I worry that if I don't start using that energy again, I'm just going to lose is and I'm never going to want to do anything creative. I can't let that happen. I've always loved my creative energies, but I need to actually focus them into something, rather than just letting them pass. And writing on this blog does not count for making something of that energy. This is mostly a rant spot. Somewhere I can let things out because I don't really have many people I can just talk to. So I just let it out here. That's different. I should really work on my stories (I have about 4 of them) and do something with them rather than just let them sit, unchanging, for years on a disc. Blah...
So, that's what I'm doing with my new year. Would anyone else like to share? ^_^
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)