Good Morning 2011

It's the beginning of 2011.  I can feel the last year fading away as I type, and this year is only just beginning.  Where does that put me?  Ah, yes.  In the middle of my resolutions...

I don't normally make New Years Resolutions, but I decided to try this year.  I have four major resolutions.

1. Quit smoking.
2. Quit drinking.
3. Get in shape.
4. Do more with creative energy.

Derek and I are both doing the first three.  Neither of us has had a cigarette or even a sip of alcohol since New Years Eve.  All the alcohol that was left in the house that night was dumped down the drain.  It's all gone.  Now all we have to do is just not buy more.

As for the cigarettes, this is where it seems to get difficult.  I haven't been having any issues with not smoking, really.  I mean, I'm a little bit more on edge, but not really that much.  The only thing I've been noticing more is that I've been trying to walk on eggshells.  It's not anything he's doing on purpose, but Derek has been really tense and on edge and I'm afraid to say anything or even do anything around him because I worry he's going to get upset or just annoyed.  It seems like I've been annoying him and frustrating him more in the last couple of days.  Mostly just yesterday.  I understand why that is, so I'm just trying to back off a bit for the next couple of weeks until it kind of subsides.  I want to be here for him, but I kind of feel like he's been pushing me away more than anything.  So, instead of smothering him and frustrating him, I'm okay with just backing off a bit.  I love him, and I just want to see the both of us succeed at this.

Working out...  Ugh.  I'm really not excited about this one.  It's what we need to do, and I really need to.  I can't go on the way I have been.  I desperately need a change in my body and in my eating habits.   Not only do I need to change my look and my habits, but I need to change my entire outlook on everything.  When someone tells me I can't do this, I believe them.  I get really upset, but I worry deep down that it's really true.  And I'm afraid that if I don't just do it and stick to it, I'm going to continue to listen to people that tell me I won't stick to it, I won't do it at all, or I straight up "can't" do it.  I shouldn't be listening to this kind of negativity, but I can't help it.  I've never worked out and stuck to it.  Not unless it was required for a gym class in school.  I really think the only way I'm going to get past this negative image of myself and my habits is to change them completely.  Not myself, just my habits.  I have to make a change, and that's what I'll do this year.

And last but not least, do more with my creative energy.  I get these spouts of creative energy every now and again where I want to write a poem, work on my stories that I've been writing for years and never finished, or draw or paint something.  This past year, I haven't done anything with that energy.  I've stifled it all and I worry that if I don't start using that energy again, I'm just going to lose is and I'm never going to want to do anything creative.  I can't let that happen.  I've always loved my creative energies, but I need to actually focus them into something, rather than just letting them pass.  And writing on this blog does not count for making something of that energy.  This is mostly a rant spot.  Somewhere I can let things out because I don't really have many people I can just talk to.  So I just let it out here.  That's different.  I should really work on my stories (I have about 4 of them) and do something with them rather than just let them sit, unchanging, for years on a disc.  Blah...

So, that's what I'm doing with my new year.  Would anyone else like to share?  ^_^